Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
