Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
