I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
