Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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