i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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