She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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