you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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