I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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