Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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