Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
