Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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