when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
