The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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