My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
