I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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