John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
