I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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