I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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