We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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