Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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