I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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