Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
