My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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