I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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