Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
