He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
