I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
