Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
