I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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