My Higher Power is John Stamos
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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