Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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