in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
