I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
