wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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