Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
