"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
