Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
