I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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