i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
