I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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