I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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