Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
