one might say we're banned from that church
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
