he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
