He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
