Well douche your snatch and let's go!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
A bitchslap is in order.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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