Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
