I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
