He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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