new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
