i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
