i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
