You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
