Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
