our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
